Cid CARES
by Amanda Fair
Summary: What happens when Cid CARES? Spiky-haired people will be flung into trees, wheelchair bound people will be tossed down stairs, and President Shinra WILL be wearing a tutu at some point. Highest form of crack possible...enjoy


**Author's Note: **READ FIRST! Okay, this is PURE CRACK and humor. It came as a result of a Fanfic I was writing. In it, an OC of mine (Who AVALANCHE doesn't really know or trust) gets hurt by Cloud (long story) and they stand around talking about what they should do with her. My friend was like "But she's hurt…why aren't they trying to help her? Shouldn't like Cid or someone help her? She's bleeding". She had a minor wound and it would have been out of character for ANY of the guys to do anything at that point in the story but my friend made such a big deal I wrote this part to show her out ridiculous I could make it.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Final Fantasy…I do own the OC featured here, though.

**Cid CARES, Man!**

Barreling into the clearing, Cid Highwind's chest heaved as he glanced around, the rest of Avalanche trailing behind him. The sight that met his eyes created a ball of fire in the pit of his stomach…and a curse word upon his lips.

There! There was the poor little girl, kneeling on the ground, clutching at a bleeding shoulder wound that, apparently, Cloud Strife, supposed leader of the group, inflicted on her. Cid went wild.

"CLOUD! HOW DARE YA INJURE THAT POOR, SWEET LITTLE GIRL!" That said, (or hollered) Cid brought out his spear (Where it was located on his person, nobody knows) and barreled forward. Cloud glanced up just in time to see the wild man of the jungle (otherwise known as Cid Highwind) charging him.

"Cid! What the – " He never finished his sentence. The blunt, unforgiving edge of the steel weapon smacked the blonde warrior upside the head. Cid flung the weapon (and Cloud) around and around, finally pausing and launching the airborne teen into the air and over the forest. If you listened hard enough, you could hear his lingering scream and the soft "thud!" as his blonde, spiky head crashed into a tall oak tree.

"THAT'S FOR WOUNDING THE INNOCENT, YOU SPIKY HAIRED UNFEELING JERK!" Cid roared, shaking his fist and weapon as a reminder to all what the FEELING being would do if ever he saw injustice.

Now that the evil Cloud was gone, Cid turned to the girl, eyeing her bloody shoulder with wide, frightened eyes. Oh, the humanity! How dare anyone hurt her! So, Cid rushed forward, through the ranks of Avalanche, trying to get to the girl. Of course, he knocked over Yuffie who had been bending over to tie her shoes. She slammed into Vincent and got caught in his cape, yelping as she became blinded by the crimson cloak, falling backwards. Like a chain reaction, Vincent and Yuffie tripped over Red X, who stumbled over Cait Sith, who bit Barret, who fired off his gun randomly, the shot hitting Tifa who flew back (merely stunned!) to join Cloud right upside that oak tree.

And they all fell down. But! Cid got to the girl and dropped to his knees. She had been sitting up, clutching at her rather small flesh wound, but Cid grabbed her uninjured shoulder and laid her back. She opened her mouth, but he shushed her.

"NO! Don't speak! Oh my, good mercy! You're probably going unconscious, aren't you? That teeny, weeny trickle of blood must be causing you to go unconscious and everything! DON'T WORRY! I'LL HELP!" And with that, Cid Highwind placed his lips against the girls (half swallowing her face, I might add) and blew his infected, cigarette smoke ridden breath into her lungs. Five years from now, she'd probably get lung cancer just by breathing in his air…but that's another story entirely, eh?

"Ah!" Cid gasped, pulling back as the girl coughed from the foul air. "YOU'RE AWAKE! Good, now to stop the bleeding!" And with that, Cid yanked his shirt off (frightening the young viewers and scaring the birds off, as they hid in the same tree Tifa and Cloud were still stuck in) and pressed the raggedy cloth against the wound. But he was not satisfied! Of course not! She was still bleeding, right?

"What to do!" The old pilot moaned, not noticing how the girl tried to run away from the insane, over protective insane person. Finally, an idea hit him and he leapt up. As if on cue, Reno the Turk swaggered into the clearing merely to find his old enemy Avalanche passed out on the ground, a shirtless Cid Highwind, and a freaked out girl trying to crawl away.

"TURK!" Cid roared and charged the poor man. Reno screeched and held up his nightstick to protect him. But before he could blink, he found himself lifted into the air, thrown over Cid's shoulder, and hauled to the girl's side. She yelped as Cid threw the Turk at her shoulder, using the man, his clothing, and his body to stop the blood flow.

"There! I've stopped the blood!" Cid cried triumphantly, maniacal light in his eyes. "But now, you need medical attention!" The girl merely whimpered in terror, wanting to explain it was merely a FLESH WOUND…but the old pilot, so intent on giving her attention, did not heed her warning.

**20 minutes later.**

"MOVE OUTTA THE WAY, PEOPLE! I GOT AN EMERGENCY HERE!" Cid Highwind roared as he ran through the hall of Shinra's best hospital. People shouted, gasped, and leapt out of the way, trying to avoid the insane pilot and the stretcher he pushed down the hall. Some poor people with casts (including one poor little boy with only one leg) got shoved out of the way (kid with one leg, actually, was pushed down a flight of stairs…but he lived!) as Cid turned a sharp corner.

Yes, he ran over some old ladies in wheel chair, yeah, he accidentally stabbed someone with a needle, and YEP! He did shoot Reno in the foot on the Highwind to give the girl an (unnecessary) blood transfusion…but it was all because he CARED, MAN!

"Sir! What may we do for you, Sir!" A medical person asked and Cid screeched to a halt, accidentally ramming the bulky stretcher into some, random blind man, sending him flying down the stairs next to the other poor kid and numerous other victims.

"What're ya, stupid? I got a girl that needs emergency surgery, a blood transfusion, and braces! I NEED IT NOW!" Cid hollered, but the doctor person shook his head mournfully.

"But, sir! She has no insurance, Shinra won't pay for it, and you can't even afford a shirt, let alone surgery." He sighed, thinking it was a closed case. But suddenly, the doctor found himself lifted up by his shirtfront and slammed into the wall, Cid's face very, very close to his own.

"Listen, SPARKY! I'M GETTING THIS GIRL MEDICAL ATTENTION IF I HAVE TO KILL YA ALL, LEAVE NO WITNESS, AND DO IT MYSELF!" The doctor flinched, now realizing he was not dealing with a sane man.

"T – talk to M…Mr. Shinra, sir! He – he's the one who could – could help you!" The doctor stuttered and Cid released him. The president! Of course, why hadn't he thought of that?

Turning on his heel, Cid ran and leapt onto the stretcher, the momentum sending it flying down the hall.

"ONWARD, SPARKY!" He shouted and twisted the stretcher, flying down stairs. Of course, he ran over the two people he sent flying down the stairs earlier…but they lived! And they weren't important to society anyway!

**20 More Minutes Later**

Rufus Shinra was spending a relaxing afternoon in the office. Supposedly, he was doing paperwork when, in reality, he was wearing his secret pink tutu, practicing some ballerina moves, all the while singing Habanera. Imagine his surprise when his office down (which was locked) suddenly burst open and flew off the hinges.

"SHINRA!" A voice filled with insanity roared in the office. Rufus whimpered as, quite suddenly, Cid launched forward and grabbed the president by the shirtfront. Instead of slamming him against the wall (which didn't seem dramatic enough) Cid turned to the glass window. He threw Rufus into the window, effectively breaking the glass, and dangled him outside the 300-story building.

"CID! Have you lost your brains!" Rufus shouted, gripping the deathgrip of a hand that kept him from certain death. Cid breathed heavily, waving the president up and down in mid air.

"Oh, I've BEEN crazy, Shinra Dog! Now, I got me a sick little girl with a teeny, tiny flesh wound that probably only needs some Neosporin and a band aid. But since the author who's writing this…since her best friend is a flipping backseat writer, I've lost me marbles and I'm hanging you out of this here window. NOW! SHE BETTER GET THE SURGERY FOR HER SHOULDER, TONSILS, BOOB JOB, AND THE BRACES, OR ELSE I'LL DROP YOU OUTTA THIS WINDOW, GO DOWN, CATCH YOU, DROP YOU AGAIN, AND DO THAT TILL I GET SO TIRED, I FINALLY LET YOU DIEEEEEEE!" Cid bellowed in his loudest, scariest, most threatening voice. Rufus screamed like a little girl as Cid dropped him, ran down the five hundred flights of stairs, and into the street, catching him with one hand.

"DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!" Rufus screeched and struggled to get away.

"YES! Very, very clear! Take the girl, fix her arm, just let me go back to my pathetic life as I remember the glory days of Shinra!" Satisfied, Cid dropped the president on the ground, watching him crawl away in fear, and barreled back to the hospital.

Smiling a satisfied (albeit very insane) smile, he proceeded to get the girl looked at and fixed her shoulder…along with eighty five other things that didn't need looking after.

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN THERAPY


End file.
